Thursday, July 31, 2014

The Broken Heart of God

Sometime in the 1940’s Bob Pierce, the founder of World Vision, penned these words in his Bible:

"Let my heart be broken with the things that break the heart of God."

While those words are old, I have seen a resurgence of the sentiment in the last five years. I hear it in song lyrics, from preachers and speakers and in conversations with other believers. It has become a popular concept to express.

But do we really know what we are praying, singing and talking about?

When I began praying that prayer in 2004 I had no idea what I was asking God to do in me. In my mind I was thinking, “God, help me see what is important to you.” But the words I was praying were, “Break my heart!”

If I had know what I was truly praying for at that time, I probably would not have prayed it. If I could have seen where that prayer would lead me, ahead of time, I would have likely kept my prayers focused on safer areas. But I did not, and God answered.

DSCF5668The answer began when we traveled to Korea in 2005 to adopt our daughter Kimberly. While there, God showed us the plight of international orphans and led us to leave the pastorate to begin orphan ministry. And my heart began to be broken.

It continued to be answered when we traveled to China to adopt Joshua in 2007 and to Guatemala to visit our future son Jonathan that same year. Then in August of 2008 we started Hope for Home Ministries and God kicked the heart-breaking process into high gear.

DSCF3390In early 2009 I led our first ministry trip to Guatemala and spent a week ministering to children with special needs. I returned from that trip shattered. I could barely function for the following month after returning from the experience. My wife would find me weeping in my office, and I would awaken from dreams sobbing.

One night, after a particularly vivid and heart-breaking dream, I rolled out of bed and knelt next to my bed and cried out to God. “God, what are you doing to me? Whatever it is, I can’t take it any more! Please just make is stop!”

And in the quietness that followed I felt God’s hand on my shoulder and heard Him speak… “Daryl, that pain you are experiencing is just a drop of the pain that I feel everyday. I have only given you a small taste. So, what are you going to do?”

Fast forward 5 1/2 years through our selling, packing, moving, beginning of this ministry, opening of this home and so much more and you will arrive at present day. And, as I look back over our lives since this move I can tell you, our hearts have continued to be broken. I can also tell you that it hurts in ways that I could never have imagined.

DSCF3297We have seen so many children die. We have had to inform parents that, barring a miracle, their child will not get better. We have tried to comfort children through horrible seizures. We have seen children struggle and fail to complete simple tasks and then cry in frustration and disappointment. We have spent sleepless nights next to hospital beds. And we have been overwhelmed by the suffering and needs that surround us. We have had our hearts broken, over and over again.

You have likely read about our pain over the last month. The loss of our precious Thania, Yenni’s seizures, respiratory illness and more. Relax. I am not going to tell you the stories again.  But what I will tell you is that it has been tempting to withdraw from everything emotionally and settle into a place where our hearts will not be broken again.

One of the things with which I have wrestled is guilt. Some of that guilt has been rooted in feeling like I should have done more to save Thania. But recently the focus of my guilt has shifted. I feel guilty because I am still struggling emotionally from the events of the last month. I keep telling myself, “Come on! You know God is good and faithful! Everything has a purpose! Thania is with Jesus and Yenni’s seizures have improved. The other struggles (some of which I have not written about here) are under God’s control. Snap out of it and get over it!” Yet, I have still struggled under a weight that has left me feeling tired.

So yesterday I discussed this problem with God, telling Him that I was sorry and asking for His help. But, in the midst of my monologue it felt as if He interrupted me. It almost seemed that He placed His hand over my mouth and said, “Shhhhh!” So, I shut up and got quiet.

And in the quietness I heard Him say the words I had said to Him so many times:

"Let my heart be broken with the things that break the heart of God."

And I suddenly realized that this past month has been the continued answer to that prayer I began praying in 2004. And I thought, “I really have got to be careful what I ask of God!”

In that moment I realized anew that this problem of suffering in this fallen world will not be solved with a band aid and a pasted-on smile. And I realized that God has not called me to be happy. (He has called me to have joy that comes from Him and does not change, but happiness as an emotion comes and goes.) God has called me to suffer. He has called me to suffer alongside those that are suffering that He loves so deeply. He has called me to mourn with those who weep.

And I finally realized that the sadness and weight that I have felt is okay. It is a part of God’s plan for me. And, for the first time in a while, the guilt lifted.

My friend, Steve Osborn, who has experienced his own share of suffering here in Guatemala, wrote the following to me in the days following Thania’s death:

Do you see how God proved His love for us in that He allowed Jesus to enter into this vale of sin and death, and to do exactly what you and your family have done in the life of Thania. Compassion...that's the frustrating thing. it hurts like hell. and maybe that is how it is supposed to be, as we participate in the sufferings of Jesus.

Paul wrote the following words in Philippians 3:10-11:

“I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,  and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.” (Emphasis mine)

These words have taken on new meaning for me over the last few weeks. Paul wanted to not only know Jesus and the power of the resurrection, but he also wanted to experience the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings. And, as I have discovered, it is a dangerous prayer to pray.

Please understand, I am not trying to say that we should be walking around sad all the time. I am not advocating a mindset of doom and gloom. We should have joy and, at times, happiness in our lives. And I do. While this last month has been the most difficult of my Christ-following life, I still would not trade this life and ministry. Because even with all the pain and suffering that is around us here, I still feel God’s pleasure in what we do.

But somehow along the way we have surrounded ourselves with feel-good teachers and books that have convinced us that God wants us happy and smiling all the time. Platitudes and internet memes convince us that the Christian life should be candy-coated and fun. But we should have our hearts broken by the things that break the heart of God. At times we should be overcome by grief due to the effects of sin on this fallen world, even as we grieve with hope and work desperately to change the world. Just like Jesus, we have to wade into the sea of suffering and share the burden of pain. And when we do, it is not fun…it is not glamorous…and it hurts. But it is supposed to. And when we experience that pain we can know that it is only a drop of what our Savior experiences every day.

DSC00028Yesterday we received a call asking us to take another child into our home. He is young, but his age is not known. And he is medically fragile. He has microcephalus, cerebral palsy, a severe seizure disorder, hyper-thyroidism and the after-effects of encephalitis. When I first received the call my initial response was “No!” I have the perfect excuse because our home is full and our finances are stretched. So, of course we can’t accept him.

Yet, after only a few minutes I knew I was lying to myself. My answer had nothing to do with how many children are in our home or the emptiness of our bank account. I have never made decisions regarding the life of a child based on such insignificant criteria.  Instead, I was trying to protect my heart from more pain. What if he comes, we fall in love with him (of course we will) and then he dies? My heart can’t take losing another child. Plus, can I put my wife and children through that again?

But if you know my family you know that the issues were mine not theirs. From the youngest to the oldest every single one of them said a resounding “Yes!” When we spoke with our staff and volunteers to ask their opinion (because we know they are stretched) they said “Yes!” And my incredible wife, Wanda, will never turn away a child in need. So the only “No!” was my own.

DSC00029And I finally looked past my own issues to see God’s heart. In reality, every decent home that would be willing to receive this little guy is filled to the max. If we don’t receive him he will likely end up in a state-run institution, and his life will not be good. We have an incredible family, staff and volunteers waiting for him that will love him passionately. And I knew that my “No!” was not a reflection of God’s heart, but my own. And as I said “Yes!” I felt both God’s pain and His pleasure.

So, soon we will be welcoming another child into Hogar de la Esperanza. And we will pray that the One who provides us with the money and strength we need daily will also provide us with the hearts we need for whatever lies ahead. He is able, even if we are not.

So please pray for this little guy. There are appointments, tests and evaluations that will need to happen quickly. Our first priority will be to get his seizures under control quickly and make sure he is stable before beginning other interventions. We covet your prayers for healing for him and wisdom for us. And please pray that he will feel loved, both by us and by the Father that loves him perfectly.

Daryl, Wanda and the Crew

“Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.”   - Isaiah 53:4-5