Forward

I have been silent on this blog for the last two weeks. That is mainly because I haven’t had much to say. I have continued to struggle with the loss of Thania and my inability to save her. I have been plagued by nightmares in which other children in our home die, and I have regular flashbacks to Thania’s final moments. In brief, I have been in a dark place as I have tried to sort through all the emotions that accompany the loss of a child so suddenly.

On the Wednesday after Thania’s death a few things happened that showed us how significant the trauma was of her passing and related events to some of our biological and adopted children. Without going into detail, there were short tempers, emotional break-downs and acting out. When we went to bed that night we felt completely shell shocked.

Then on Thursday night (actually Friday morning at around 2:00 am) Yenni began a series of severe seizures that racked her body for three days. She had been completely seizure free for more than seven months, so this took us all by surprise. This was heartbreaking to witness. She could feel each seizure coming and would call out to me before going completely rigid. Afterward she would be completely drained, but sometimes another seizure would hit within five minutes. I suspected, and our doctor later confirmed, that she had an infection of some kind that was triggering the seizures. We did our best to control her fever and keep her calm, and over the next few days the seizures diminished in both frequency and severity, until ending on Sunday afternoon. By this point we had reached a point of exhaustion and discouragement that would be difficult to describe.

When God called us to move to Guatemala we felt that we needed to sell almost everything we had and burn our bridges in the US. We did that because we knew times would get tough here and we would be tempted to run away. I see it over and over again. Missionaries move here with a great vision and dream only to head back to the States after six months or a year. We did not want to be one of those, so, like Cortez, we burned our ships.

Nothing could have prepared us for what we have faced over the last 11 months since we welcome the first child into Hogar de la Esperanza. I have never know that such a level of spiritual warfare existed, as we have been attacked from every side. That, combined with exhaustion and the grief that has come with losing two children in our home, has left us beaten down and tired. But we cannot and will not go back.

The other day as Wanda and I were talking I told her, “We can’t go back, so we might as well go forward.” I know that isn’t much of a battle cry. In fact, it may seem kind of pathetic. But for now it is enough for us.

A few days after Thania passed away we received a call from PGN in Guatemala City. They had a little boy who is approximately two years old who has microcephalus and severe delays. At that point we were not in a place where we felt we could make a decision, and we told them so. They explained that the little boy had been placed in an orphanage in the city that was not for children with special needs. The judge had instructed that he could stay there until July 21st when he had another hearing scheduled, but he must be transferred to a home that specializes in special needs by that day. So we took a few more days to heal, pray and make a decision.

Last Monday they called again, asking whether we would accept him. It still seemed too soon to us, but we realized that there was a little boy who desperately needed a home and we, unexpectedly, had room. So, we told them that we would take him.

Last night, after a long day of hearings and waiting for paperwork processing, Milton Giovanni was finally delivered to our home. He arrived with little in way of paperwork. We don’t know his last name, his birthday or mother´s name. We actually know nothing about the little guy except for a brief doctor and psychologist report that came with him. What we do know is that little Giovanni has a big smile and a great hug. And we also know that Hogar de la Esperanza once again has 10 children. Forward.

I believe that God is trying to teach me something. Victory is most often not found in winning great battles or in joyful celebrations. Instead, it is frequently found in simply taking the next step, no matter how tired or defeated you may feel or how much it hurts. Sometimes the victory is simply choosing to go forward instead of sitting down or turning around.

And so, tonight we will love the children God has given us while we continue to look toward the future. I know that eventually the nightmares and flashbacks will stop, and I will be able to remember Thania without feeling responsible for her death. I know that the sun will rise each morning and this ministry will continue as long as God permits it. And I know that God is good and choose to believe that He takes pleasure in my next step, even if I take it painfully with much fatigue.

And I pray that those who are trying to continue moving forward through their pain will somehow find strength and courage from my struggle so that we can take the next step together.

Blessings from Guatemala,

Daryl, Wanda and the Crew