Why?

Today has been a lousy day. I am tired, discouraged, and overall feeling defeated. And the question that keeps driving it is a single word… “Why?”

This morning our team from Piqua, OH and I arrived at Hermano Pedro. I immediately went into the Anibal ward to check on Lionel, only to find him in his wheelchair quietly crying. I picked him up and held him for about 30 minutes. While his crying stopped immediately, he never responded to my attempts to make him smile. He is struggling to breathe, and they have reinserted his feeding tube. To be honest, it seems like he has lost the will to live. My heart breaks for him and I long to ease his pain.

From there I was called out into another room to adjust a chest harness that was cutting into the neck of Estefani. This was the same chest harness that I adjusted about 10 days ago. The nurses, in their great wisdom, seem to think that it is best to have the harnesses high on the chest, so they keep changing the proper adjustments. From that point, I spent the next 45 minutes readjusting chest harnesses, many of which I had properly adjusted just days before.

After that, I decided to go check some of the men out for lunch. After filling out the proper form and obtaining the head nurse’s signature, I proceeded to Father Jose’s office to get his. There I found out that he was out of the office until the afternoon, so I went to Father Francisco’s office. There I was told that he, too, was out until the afternoon. I spoke with Vicki who told me that she would try to get the signature of the one nun who was authorized but who was out sick. She went to her home, only to find her not there. So, after an hour of work, I found out we could not take anyone out to lunch.

I returned to the children’s ward to find little Yofri strapped improperly into his bed. This little guy suffers from severe CP which twists his back and threatens to bend him over double backward. You can read more about him by clicking here. The nurses had placed him in the special backboard that Dick had designed with the pillow placed in the small of his back, forcing him to remain bent backward instead of holding him straight. After controlling my anger, I picked him up and held him for a while until I had him relatively relaxed and straight. I then strapped him back into his bed properly.

At that point, the team and I left to grab lunch and take a breather, which I desperately needed. While we were out, Wanda surprised me by taking the chicken bus into town and meeting us at the restaurant. Her presence was just what I needed.

We returned to HP in the afternoon and I found Yofri, once again, strapped into bed improperly. This time there was no pillow in place at all, and his muscles were spasming, causing the strap to dig into his chest. So, once again, I fixed his positioning and rotated the bed so that he could lie on his other side for a while.

And so, this evening as I returned home I have been plagued with the same question that is pounding in my heart all day. Why?

• Why has Lionel lost his will to live?
• Why is he deteriorating before my eyes?
• Why is HP making so many crappy decisions that is hurting the patients it claims to care about?
• Why won’t the nurses do what they know they are supposed to do with Yofri?
• Why does helping these children have to be so hard?
• Why does Cerebral Palsy exist, along with all the other causes of suffering inflicted on the innocent?
• Why? Why? Why?

Before you respond to those questions, let me explain that I would like to ask these questions of God, but I don’t want to ask Him with defiance or anger. I do trust God. I know that He is good. I know that He loves both the children of HP and me far more than I could ever comprehend. And I know that He has a plan for it all. My faith in Him is not shaken. But I am feeling tired, discouraged, and useless, so I would like to simply ask Him why and have Him hold me while He gives me just a tiny glimpse of the answer. I don’t need the whole unfolding of His plan, just a little glimmer of a single bullet point.

Please forgive me for venting as I have. Please pray for Lionel, Yofri, and all the kids of HP. And please pray that God brings an end to suffering soon.

“He who testifies to these things says, ‘Yes, I am coming soon.’ Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.”

– Revelation 22:20              

I agree…come, Lord Jesus!

Daryl