Picking Up Prostitutes (and other biblical activities)

Quite a few years ago I was serving as youth pastor in a small country church. We were foster parents at the time, so we had been reaching out to the biological mother of one of the children in our home. She agreed to attend church with us one Sunday, so I drove down to meet her at a bus stop in a town to the south and give her a ride the rest of the way. On that particular morning she was a no-show, and I started the drive back north, somewhat frustrated over my wasted trip.

As I passed through another town I saw a lady hitchhiking on the side of the road. I felt the Spirit prompt me, so I stopped and picked her up. She told me she was trying to get to church and then proceeded to tell me her story. She had been a prostitute for years and only two weeks before had found out she had AIDS (a death sentence in those days). She was alone, scared and seeking answers. So as I drove her to the church she was seeking to find, I talked to her about how much Jesus loves her and how He could change her heart and her life. She wept, I wept, we prayed together and I dropper her off at the door of the church with a hug.

I finally made it back to our church and the service began. Each week we had a time in our service where people could share prayer requests, so I took that time to ask for prayer for this young woman. Of course, I started it by saying, “I picked up a prostitute this morning” and then told the story. (That is probably not the best introduction to a prayer request.)

As soon as the service was over I was cornered by a woman from our church who proceeded to chew me out. She told me that I had acted inappropriately and placed both the church’s and my reputation at risk. “Do you have any idea what kind of reputation you could get doing things like that?”

I paused for a moment, took a deep breath and smiled. “Yes, I do. If our church keeps doing those kinds of things we could get a reputation like Jesus had. We could actually become known as friends of sinners.” That quickly ended the conversation as she turned and stomped off to go talk to some of the Board members who confronted me as well.

So, why am I bringing that long ago event up now? Well, I have been thinking a lot about what it really means to live a life that moves in harmony with the Bible. I believe we often think we know what that means, only to be far from the mark. Most of us have a picture of what a Christ-follower looks like. We have gotten it from our parents, our church, personal experiences with believers and/or popular culture. But often that picture does not line up with the Word of God, even when we think it does.

Stop for a moment and think about the heroes of Scripture, including Jesus Himself. What did they look like? How did they act? Were they safe, predictable and well respected? Were they the suit and tie crowd? Were they good stewards as the church would describe Christian stewardship now? Did they fit into a mold at all?

Over and over when you look at the men and women of faith you see people who were scandalous, reckless, dangerous and unpredictable barbarians. They were unconcerned with their reputation but very concerned with God’s voice which led them to do crazy things. They touched the untouchables, loved the unlovable and did the impossible while the religious crowd told them they were crazy. I believe that most of the faithful people of scripture, including Jesus, would be quickly rejected were they to walk into the typical church today because they do not fit our unbiblical view of what a Christ-follower should be.

Please understand, these crazy radicals of Scripture were not that way because they were seeking to be crazy. They were that way because they obeyed God’s call, and He asked them to do things that, from a human viewpoint, were crazy and reckless. They were not lunatics, they were God-followers.

I am, by far, not a good example of a true disciple. I fall short in so many areas. But over the years Wanda and I have gotten a few things right. However, in the few things we did get right, we almost always experienced resistance from the church. Consider the following:

1. When we started fostering back in 1992 we were told that we were being irresponsible by exposing our children and the children of our church to “those troubled kids.”
2. When we started adopting after having five biological children we were told we were being irresponsible by having so many children.
3. When pastoring a church plant that was reaching severely troubled families I was told by other pastors that “You can’t build a church on those kinds of people.”
4. When we started downsizing our lives and giving the money to ministry we were told that we were not being responsible stewards.
5. When we decided to move to Guatemala and begin this ministry I was told that I was a bad husband and father for putting my family at risk.

Hidden in each of these objections were the lies that God calls His children to be safe, careful and well-financed. It is okay to help others as long as it is not risky and doesn’t demand sacrifice. A good Christian looks out for himself and his family first and foremost.

In reality, many of us believe that we are living biblical lives but in reality are only living churchical lives. (Yes, I made up that word. Deal with it.) The filter of the traditional church has caused us to interpret scripture and discipleship through a dark lens. As a result, we are getting a lot of it wrong.

And, yes, I realize that I am likely getting it wrong in some areas as well. The problem with having a filter that skews your perception is that you usually don’t realize you have it because your perception is skewed. But God is challenging me anew to head back to His Word with fresh eyes, trying to forget what I think I know so that I can learn what I really need to know. So that I can learn what it really means to be Christ-like in a world that really needs Jesus.

I believe that if each of us would do that, we would become far less safe, tame and predictable and spend more time picking up prostitutes. I know…scandalous, right?

If this strikes a chord in you, I would encourage you to pick up the book, The Barbarian Way by Erwin McManus. It is a worthwhile and, perhaps, life changing read.

Blessings from Guatemala!

Daryl, Wanda and the Crew

Family and Opened Eyes

Over the last 10 days we had the privilege of hosting my sister, Kathy, her husband, Bob, my brother, Rusty and his wife, Vanessa. This has been a very special time for me to have them with us. It is only the second time I have seen them since moving to Guatemala, with the last time being my mother’s funeral in October of 2012.

It was a great time, but it felt surreal at moments. When I was a child I remember occasionally encountering one of my teachers from school in a store. It was a strange thing for me, because I could not imagine that teachers had a life outside of school. Yet there they were, intruding into my world while doing things like shopping, which real people do. (This experience was especially traumatic during the summer months because they served as a reminder that they were waiting for me at the end of vacation.)

My time with my family was something like that, only much more powerful and much, much nicer. My brother and sister, with whom I had grown up were suddenly in our new world of Guatemala for the first time. But instead of being an intrusion like my grade school teachers, they were a very welcomed presence in our home and ministry. And suddenly the North Carolina of my childhood came together with the Guatemala of my present, and it felt so very good. Two very different worlds came together and blended beautifully.

During their time here they had the opportunity to reacquaint themselves with our kids and to get to know the children in our group home. They also had the opportunity to travel with me and see our rural village ministry first-hand. Kathy and Bob spent a day with me down in Las Palmas and Rusty and Vanessa traveled with me to San Pablo La Laguna. Likewise, Rusty and Bob were able to travel with me to Zone 18 in Guatemala City to deliver a new wheelchair to a young man named Brandon and measure another child for a needed chair. Each of these times out were great, as they exposed my family to our work. But they also served another purpose. Each of my siblings and sibling-in-laws were able to help me see both Guatemala and our ministry through fresh eyes.

We have lived and served in Guatemala for over three years now, and it is easy to get used to the things we see on a daily basis. To be honest, I now take for granted things like erupting volcanoes, earthquakes, power outages, beautiful mountain views, mud-floored huts, rough mountain roads, widow-maker showerheads and poverty.

Yep, you read that right. I am now used to the poverty we encounter every day. I can step into a tiny, one room house with mud floors and large holes in the wall that is filled to the brim with a family dressed in ragged clothes. I can visit with them, make a delivery of food, formula or medicine and then leave without really seeing the desperate nature of their situation.

But my family opened my eyes anew and helped me see again. On numerous occasions we left a home, village or school and I turned to see tears in their eyes. And in each situation I realized that my eyes were dry. In each case, my heart remained unbroken by the things that break the heart of God. And that bothered me. How, in such a short time, have I gotten used to the things that used to make me sob.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that there is more to caring for the poor and desperate than shedding tears. I realize that a person can weep about oppression, abuse and poverty and then walk away and do nothing about them. In that case, it is just empty emotions. But, likewise, we can also enter in those situations, help alleviate the suffering and then walk away having done a good deed without ever seeking to feel and share in their suffering. And my family helped me realize that I have been doing just that.

It is a defensive posture that I have assumed. Somewhere along the way I decided that it is just too hard to feel so much. So, little by little I have placed a wall around my heart to protect it. That is my being a coward in the midst of heroes, because each day these families face their pain and suffering and keep going, most with a smile on their face and hope for the future. Yet here I am protecting my heart by not even investing Christ-like empathy for their situation.

When I moved here I vowed that would never happen to me. I pledged that I would always keep my heart soft and my eyes open. But my family has shown me just how far I have strayed from that commitment. And so, I am re-entering the arena with a softer heart and the desperate prayer that God will help me keep it soft. I need Jesus to give me His eyes anew every day lest I walk past suffering without really seeing. If you are one of my faithful prayer partners I ask you to please pray that on my behalf regularly.

On a brighter and much cuter note, we received two new children into our group home on Friday, February 28. Since then, I feel like I am seeing double. Twin girls, Raquel and Ester, have invaded, and these two little ones have added a spark to our home and made it even busier. They are 2 1/2 years old and have microcephalus that has delayed their cognitive and physical development. They seem to function in both areas with the skills and development of the typical 14 – 18 month old. We are still having them evaluated to see what interventions they may need. This involves appointments with our local doctor, a pediatrician, a neurologist and numerous tests. Our big concern is that often microcephalus is a worsening condition as the brain continues to grow. Our desire is to provide medical treatment to minimize the impact of this condition. Meanwhile, they are keeping us running and laughing.

One of the things we discovered almost immediately was that they were used to having their own way. They seemed to believe that if their tantrum was loud and long enough we would cave to their demands. They learned quickly that we don’t negotiate. (It reminds me of an old joke: What’s the difference between a two year old and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.) Gradually the tantrums are diminishing and life is settling into a rhythm again. Please pray for Raquel and Ester.

Well, that’s all for now. Sorry for the erratic nature of this blog in recent months. I will try to update with better regularity.

Blessing from Guatemala!

Daryl, Wanda and the Crew

Worth It

If you follow this blog, you know that the last six months or so have been difficult ones. Without becoming too specific, I have sought to be transparent about the challenges we have faced while running this ministry, and the personal struggles that has caused within me. I won’t revisit those struggles for a couple of reasons. First, I have already shared them, and second, I don’t want to live in the past. We are coming through the other side feeling refined and with a tighter grasp on Jesus, so that is enough.

What I will say is that when I was in some of the darker times, it was hard to remember that what we do was worth the struggles. During those times, the problems loomed large and the returns seemed small. To be honest, I spent too much time wallowing in self-pity and martyrdom and was, therefore, unable to take my eyes off myself to see Jesus as I should. Neither could I focus on the big picture of His plan.

I find that I have moved beyond that stage, due to God’s grace and mercy, and have found my joy and strength in Him again. And, now that I have, it is so much easier to see that the payoff of this life and ministry far outweighs any challenges or struggles we have faced. At times God gives me moments that are frozen in time as evidence of that truth.

Today was one of those instances. One of the children in our home (for confidentiality purposes, I am withholding her name) met with our psychologist today. The children are required to meet weekly with a psychologist, so this is a normal part of her life, but today was special. This girl was abandoned by her mother when it was discovered she had special needs. So, she was left with a father who beat her until he was arrested for stealing. That is when she came to us. Then we found out yesterday that her father has gotten out of jail and is requesting visitation rights.

For him to receive those rights, two things have to occur. First, the judge needs to give his permission in writing. Second, the child has to agree to the visits. So we asked the psychologist to talk with her to avoid any perception of influence on our part and to have it officially documented. Here is the conversation as related to me through the psychologist (the child cannot speak, but communicates through gestures and head nods and shakes):

Psychologist: Do you remember your dad?

Child: (Nods with a big smile)

Psychologist: Do you know where you dad is now?

Child: (Another smile and nod)

Psychologist: Where is he?

(At that moment, I passed through the area where they were talking, totally unaware of what was happening.)

Child: (A very huge smile and points to me)

Needless to say, I wept when I heard this. In that moment, I knew everything we have been through was worth this moment.

The conversation continued from there:

Psychologist: Do you remember the dad you had before?

Child: (Suddenly solemn with wide eyes she nods)

Psychologist: Did he hit you?

Child: (With eyes tearing, she nods her head)

Psychologist: Would you like to see him again?

Child: (A firm shake of the head with a very fearful look in her eyes)

As I learned of this conversation, all of the struggles of the past slipped away and became very insignificant. In that moment I knew, once again, that everything was worth it. We had prayed that we would become a home and a family to these children, and we have. They are safe, loved and happy, so I would do it all over again if I had to.

Different times we are told by others that they respect us because they could never do what we do. I understand that. In many cases, it is just a matter of calling. If you haven’t been called to this life, then you would not be able to do this, just as I could not do what many of you do. We need many believers doing very different things in this world, so God calls and we follow our own specific calling.

But there are other times that I believe that they have been called. Their hearts are broken and they are passionate to make a difference, but fear of the challenges keeps them from responding. So, they don’t. Fear of the struggles keeps them from seeing the benefits. And it breaks my heart.

I wish for just one day they could see the difference that could be made. A changed life…a secure and happy child…a family where there was once loneliness. If they could see the possibility I think the fear and struggles would fade. And, boy, do we ever need it to fade.

Soon, we will have children number eight and nine joining our home as we welcome twins. Now we really need to open a second home, but we cannot due to a lack of workers. We need a family who loves children with special needs to come and join us. Actually, we are praying for nine more such families so that we can open a total of 10 homes, caring for 100 children. But for that to happen, believers have to look past the challenges to see the benefits.

My favorite quote is by Francis Chan. He says this:

“Our greatest fear should not be fear of failure, but of succeeding at things in life that don’t really matter.”

Many of us, myself included, spend too much time succeeding at things that are easy, but don’t matter. Christ calls us to the difficult (actually, the impossible) that really matters, for both this life and eternity. But for us to discover that reality, we have to realize that it is worth it. And once we do, our world changes, along with the world around us.

That’s all for now. Blessings!

Daryl, Wanda and the Crew

Travels, Hospitals and Additions

After a couple of months away from our rural village ministry I was finally able to head back out for a trip. These times are such a help to me, as they breathe new life into me. This trip was to San Pablo La Laguna, so I was able to enjoy some great scenery and wonderful families. In addition, I was able to take along our niece, Chelsea Musser, who was visiting from Ohio and my daughter, Krishauna. We had a great time together.

When we first started working in San Pablo 14 months ago, we were met with much skepticism. Many outside groups had visited with families there and made promises of help, but never delivered. As a result, everywhere we went it was assumed that we were offering empty promises. We realized quickly that it would take time to earn these families’ trust.

On this visit our T´zutujil translator, Michel, told us that people are noticing the changes in the families with which we work. Mariano, who was barely verbal and suffering from seizures, is now seizure free and carrying on complete conversations with excellent articulation. Oscar, who was lying in his bed and dying from infected bed sores is gaining weight and getting out of his home regularly. Marta Delores, who was seizuring almost all night long every night, is now almost completely seizure free and sleeping well. And the list goes on.

Michel told us that people are talking about our ministry in a very positive way now. One church in the town had a time of prayer and fasting for our ministry last month. And each month there are more people waiting to see us when we arrive. As a result, we are getting more and more opportunities to talk with families about Jesus. We have always told everyone that the help comes from Him and that all credit and glory goes to him. But now we are having more in-depth conversations.

For example, during my visit with Oscar he mentioned that he had been praying that God would help him, but He had not answered. As a result, he wondered if God was real. So I sat on the ground next to his wheelchair and asked him, “What do you mean God hasn’t helped you? What about us? He sent us to help you!” And from there we talked about the difference between believing in God and surrendering to God. We also talked about the great plan God has for his life, and the only thing he needs to do to realize it is to surrender to Jesus. As we spoke, he began to cry and nodded his head. We then prayed with him and he assured us that he would be thinking about what we said.

One of the things we are excited about is some new technology that is coming our way. My brother and sister-in-law, Rusty and Vanessa, will be visiting later this month, and through the generosity of their church they will bring with them special solar powered devices onto which we can save the Bible, Bible studies, children's’ Bible stories, or whatever we believe beneficial in their own language, including T’zutujil. This is a huge blessing as many of the families with which we work cannot read or write. So early in March we will be taking along several devices for delivery to families in San Pablo La Laguna. This is simply another way that God is opening the doors for us to share Jesus and His Word with the people of that area.

My sister and brother-in-law (Kathy and Bob) will also be visiting at the same time, so I am really excited. This will be the first time we three siblings have been together since my mother’s funeral in October 2012 and only the second time I have seen them since we moved to Guatemala, so I am really anticipating a great reunion and time together.

Back at home we have been facing our share of challenges. Little Angelita had to be hospitalized with a respiratory infection while we were in San Pablo. She spent three days in the hospital and continued to struggle when she returned home. It was finally decided that we needed to remove her feeding tube because it was impeding her ability to clear her lungs and swallow. Since its removal we have seen slow but steady improvement in her breathing. We are currently back to feeding her by bottle, and it is a battle. We will likely need to have a feeding tube surgically installed directly to her stomach once she is healthy again.

On the bright side, Thania is finally gaining weight and growing somewhat stronger. The feeding tube has been a blessing for her as it is much easier to get her required daily nutrition into her system. However, she does not like it. She frequently tries to pull it out, so each night we have to put her arms in straight braces so she does not yank on it while in bed. She still needs a lot of prayer as she has a long way to go.

Another piece of good news is that four of the children in our home have started attending school each afternoon. In mid-January Yenifer, Brayan, Alejandra and Rafael started attending a school for children with special needs in Antigua, and they love it! Each day they are excited as we put on their school uniforms and get them ready to leave. And each day they return excited to show us the work and projects they have done that day. This also gives our family, staff and volunteers a much needed break and time to spend with the kids with more severe needs.

And in the next week or two we are anticipating our lives will get even more interesting as we are expecting twin two year old girls who have microcephalus. Please pray for them through this time of adjustment.

Thanks for all your prayers that support us, strengthen us and encourage us through all the good and challenging time! Each intercession is appreciated!

Blessings from Guatemala!

Daryl, Wanda and the Crew

Food Fights

For the last few months we have been fighting a battle to get Angelita and Thania to eat. Both of them came to us suffering the effects of malnutrition. Both of them have had their growth severely stunted by a lack of nourishment, with Thania (age 13) being about the size of a skinny four year old and Angelita (age 7) looking like a  2 1/2 year old. Both of them are still under 20 pounds, in spite of many hours of coaxing bottles of special formula into them.

Thania has been our greatest concern, as she is so very weak and susceptible to every illness that comes along. We are currently battling her fourth infection in as many months, and her wrists are only slightly larger in diameter than my thumbs. She can barely raise her head.

So, after a few months of consulting with our doctor, we finally decided to have both Thania and Angelita placed on feeding tubes. This enables us to get the nutrition they need into their body without the trauma for force feeding them. It also cuts the amount of time we spend feeding them from about 12 man-hours a day to about two.

But, along with the benefits come challenges. Thania does not like having the tube and has pulled it out twice now. On Saturday morning Angelita had a grande mal seizure and in her spasms yanked her tub almost all the way out. Each time a feeding tube gets pulled it requires a delicate reinsertion and testing to make sure the tube is in the stomach and not their lungs. I confess that I hate doing this and usually feel exhausted by the end. But, as difficult as it is for me, it is a cake walk compared to what the girls go through.

I would ask you to please be in prayer for these little ones, especially Thania. She is still so weak that a significant respiratory illness or basic infection could threaten her life. Please pray that God will heal and strengthen them both and help them gain weight.

Our Ministry Coordinator, April Clark, has recently returned from an extended stay in the States, and I am glad to have her back! While she was there she spoke is several churches regarding our ministry and was able to raise additional support for this work. Now that she is back, she is hard at work preparing for team season.

Speaking of team season, it is approaching rapidly. A number of you have expressed interest in bringing groups this Summer, so if you have not begun the process, please do so immediately. Just send an e-mail message to april@hopeforhome.org.

Our goal for leading teams was to bring down people to help children with special needs, but recently God has been showing us another opportunity that we have. In the last year we hosted two families that brought along a child with special needs. One of these children has spina bifida and another has autism. Most missions trips are closed to families of children with disabilities, but because of our unique ministry we were able to accommodate them, and everyone had a meaningful and life-changing trip.

So, this is a special invitation to those families who have one or more members with special needs. If you have decided that short-term missions are closed to you, I want you to know that they are not. We can custom-design a trip for you and your family to allow your entire family to participate and make a difference. So, if you are interested, write to April Clark at april@hopeforhome.org.

I have been off the road for the last few months except for trips related to Hogar de la Esperanza. Dale Beyer has assumed most of the responsibility for our rural village ministry. But tomorrow I will be heading up to the lake for a visit to San Pablo La Laguna. I am looking forward to spending time with families and catching up with them again. These trips always fan my flames and give me a fresh burst of energy. At the same time, my absence creates greater challenges and workload for Wanda, so please keep her in your prayers.

That´s all for now. Blessings from Guate!

Daryl, Wanda and the Crew

Faithful

I can honestly say that the last six months have been the most challenging period of my life. It seems that the perfect storm was unleashed on Wanda and I and has knocked us for a loop. A personal family matter has weighed heavily on our hearts. The opening of Hogar de la Esperanza has required extremely long days and weeks for us as we have adjusted to this new life and family. The enemy has been active seeking to deceive and divide our team. And the loss of our little Esperanza has taken us to depths of grief that we never imagined.

Any one of these things would be difficult to face. Together they have left us feeling beaten and scarred. There have been days that I have had trouble dragging myself out of bed in the morning and then wanted to crawl back in by 10:00 am. I honestly feel like I have aged 10 years in the last half year.

Yesterday a friend confronted me about my disposition. He pointed out that I was lacking some of the fruit of the Spirit in my life, namely joy and patience. As I was confronted by his words I had no argument or defense. He is right. I have allowed the enemy of my soul to steal my joy and some of the very characteristics that should define my life. Those words were hard to hear, but the truth often hurts in order to heal.

As I was praying about this last night, I asked the Lord to help me focus my eyes on Him again. It is so easy to watch the waves instead of the One who walks on them. And, as always, God is so gracious and forgiving. I felt His presence anew and His forgiveness flowed through me. This morning I approached the day with joy and hope for the first time in months.

At the same time, I have also been humbled by a fresh awareness of God’s faithfulness. In spite of my unfaithfulness, God has been moving around me.

One of our great prayers when moving here was that God would use us to create a place of healing and hope. Somehow He has done that. When the inspectors from CNA came to our home for the first time they praised the care we were providing and the program we created. And we quickly gave credit to Jesus. Each hearing for the kids has produced praises from the judges, social workers and psychologist regarding the progress of the kids. And each time we have told them that it was Jesus who was bringing healing. A few days ago little Angelita laughed loud and long for the first time. (When she first came to us she was totally non-responsive.) We know that is God’s healing occurring in her. Each night we tuck the children into bed to the sounds of laughter and squeals as we kiss and tickle and love and know that God has given these children hope and a place of belonging. Even as I type this the sounds of play outside flood into my office, and I can’t help but wonder where these children would be if God had not done all of this.

Angelita laughs for the first time!

Meanwhile, God continues to grow and build our rural village ministry under Dale Beyer’s leadership. God is bringing deeper connections and sharing with families and He is being glorified.

And as I see the things that God has been doing while I have been sinking in the waves, I realize again why it is so good that He does the real work of this ministry. I am so glad that it does not depend on me. If it did, this ministry would have sank right along with me. But it did not. God has continued to build this work while I have been fighting to keep my head above water.

I am reminded that God does not change or shift with circumstances or my fickle nature. He is faithful. I am also freshly aware that this ministry does not revolve around me and is not about me at all. It is all about Him and the story He is telling to the world.

At present, things are looking up. God is restoring unity where there was once division. We are in a groove regarding our home and schedule, and life is getting easier as the work days are getting shorter once again. And, while the pain of losing Esperanza is still deep, we are all able to at least breathe again and laugh more. And at times like this it is tempting to say that we have turned a corner. To think that from this point things are going to get better. I hope so, but I really don’t know that. Satan is still real and active and he hates our entire team and wants us divided. Another great loss and deep grief could be just around the corner. The loss of personnel could throw us into longer days and weeks again. I don’t know what the next minute holds, much less tomorrow.

But hopefully I have learned my lesson. I pray that the next time I face these valleys I will do so with my fruit intact. I would like to think I will, but I know me better than most. I will likely take my eyes off the Wave-Walker at some point and start sinking again. I am stupid like that. And so I place my hope in the One who is faithful in the face of my unfaithfulness. And that will have to be enough.

Greetings from Guatemala!

Daryl

Our Little Esperanza

The last three days have been surreal. From the moment Esperanza left us until now seems like a fuzzy dream that I am still trying to comprehend. To help me do so, allow me to write and get it out.

The process of death, funeral and burial in Guatemala is very different than in the US. In the States there is a concerted effort to separate the family and loved ones from the deceased. When someone dies they are quickly whisked away and the family only sees them for brief periods after the body has been cleaned, embalmed and prepared. The opposite is true here. Esperanza never left our home until we walked to the cemetery for her burial.

For the first five hours after she passed away we simply took turns holding her. I took her and placed a fresh diaper on her and made sure she was clean. Then we chose to bury her in the beautiful sleeper she wore for her half-birthday celebration and wrap her in the extra soft purple blanket we bought her as one of her Christmas presents. Those hours were precious to us as we each said goodbye. We were even able to Skype with Brittney who is in the States completing her student teaching for her degree. This was important for us and for Brittney.

Our neighbor and landlord came over in the afternoon and offered to help us with arranging her grave. He walked us up to the cemetery and had us choose a spot. Then he, along with his brother and two nephews, dug the grave for us. We were so blessed and touched by their friendship and help.

Early that evening a man brought us the casket. It was covered in white satin with pink lace trim. It was placed in our living room and we placed her inside in front of our Christmas Tree. Then the visitors began to arrive. Countless people came through our door that evening to visit and simply sit in our home with us, the last of which left around midnight. There is a strong sense of community here, and we were deeply blessed and touched by each of those that supported us.

The next morning chairs were delivered and set-up in our courtyard and we carried the casket out. At 9 am the people began to arrive and simply sit to be present with us. The service followed at 10 am, with our pastor, Victor Barbella, officiating and the Beyer family and Daniel providing music. Together they all provided a beautiful tribute to our Esperanza. At the end, I stood up and shared the gospel from my point of view as her father. Once again, Brittney was able to share in the service via Skype and was able to even take the walk with us to the cemetery afterwards via remote internet and an I-pad.

Then, we all walked to the cemetery. Krishauna, Taryn, Jeremiah and Kristin Beyer carried the casket. I shared some scripture, we sang a song, and the casket was lowered into the ground. People threw in flowers and the hole was filled as we gathered around and watched. Then flowers were placed on top and we returned to our home to serve coffee and bread. We will be ordering a tombstone soon. Close friends hung around and ate lunch with us.

Then they left. And we are trying to figure out how to get back to normal…whatever that is. Late in the afternoon Wanda and, I along with our children, walked up to the cemetery again. With just us there we talked and cried and remember. And we reminded one another that Esperanza was with Jesus and that we would survive and move on in life and ministry while never forgetting her and always loving her.

But it is hard, because everything reminds us of her. Yesterday our little Kimmie was folding laundry and she began to cry. Wanda asked her what was wrong, and she said, “I just realized that this is the last time I will ever fold Esperanza’s laundry.” This afternoon I walked past the special pillow she used, and my heart broke and I began to weep. I can’t even begin to tell you how badly I want to kiss her cheek again and feel her little fingers grasping mine and playing with my goatee.

Esperanza was and is my daughter. I know the legal paperwork doesn’t acknowledge me as her dad, but I am. I love her every bit as much as my own children, both biological and adopted. And, if I could have, I would have adopted her as my own.

There is no way I can describe the depth of my love for her, but the way to come closest is to share this truth: I would have traded places with her. I spent many hours holding, feeding, changing and playing with her, and during that time I often prayed that God would let me take her place. If I could have, I would have taken her blindness on myself so that she could see. I would have taken her deafness so that she could hear. I would have taken her sickness so that she could live. If I could have had my own way, I would have been the one buried Tuesday and she would be playing happily in our living room right now. I so badly wish that I could have died so that she could live. That is a glimpse of my love for her, and still it is only a shadow.

I know that she is whole now. I know that she is seeing and hearing and dancing and running and loving and more full of joy than I could even imagine. And I do rejoice for her, as does our whole family. But, at the same time, our hearts are broken and grieving. I have never known pain this bad or this deep. I have to keep reminding myself to just breathe and that we will get through this. I have to make myself keep moving because I feel like if I stop I will never start again. So, I keep walking and crying out to God for help and strength. Right now I need Him so desperately that I could not function without His hand holding me up.

Yet, in the midst of this pain God still is teaching me. For the last few months, because of Esperanza’s influence on my life, I am beginning to understand the love of God in a deeper way.

He has taught me something that I have always known in my head, but now know in my heart: Just as I so desperately wanted to take Esperanza’s place, He took mine. He looked on my blindness, deafness and death-filled life and took that all on Himself. He died my death so that I could live and see and hear and know Him. And, suddenly, the love of God is very real to me. It is not just words on a page. It in not just facts I believe. It is passion, it is truth and it is real.

And it is true for each one of us. He looks at each one of us and begs to take our place. His heart breaks when we deny Him that. His heart soars when we embrace that offer. It is hard for me to believe, but as great as my love is for Esperanza, His love is far, far greater. It is so great that my fallen and feeble heart could not contain it. A tiny little girl that most of the world rejected has taught me far more than the world’s greatest theologians and all my years of education and study.

And so, because of that love, I will survive this pain and loss. Our family will survive and continue this ministry. Because our Jesus is so very good and His love is so very great.

For each of you that never had the chance to meet Esperanza, I am so very sorry. Heaven came to earth and lived in our home. I wish you could have experienced it first-hand. If you are a Christ follower, one day I will introduce you in heaven. But just to warn you, you will likely have to stand in line, because she will definitely be among the greatest there.

Thanks for your prayers. We need them now more than ever.

Below are two things that I have decided to share. One is a letter that I have written to Esperanza. The other is a video tribute put together by our friend, Amy Fraley, in Troy, Ohio.

Daryl, Wanda and Family

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A Letter to My Little Esperanza

Esperanza,

We love you so very much and miss you more than I could explain. God gave us the privilege of being your family, and it was one of the greatest gifts He could have given us. It is an honor to be your earthly daddy, mommy, sisters and brothers because you have filled our lives with so much joy, love and memories. You were only with us a short time, but it was so very precious to us.

I know that you are now with Jesus. I know that He has given you a new body free of blemish and illness. I know you can see and hear and run and dance. I know that you are beautiful, more beautiful than I could ever imagine. But I want you to know something…you were so very beautiful here as well. I loved the shape of your head and your perfect little face. I loved your tiny tongue and lips, your bony little knees and twisted feet. I loved your little belly and how you would sigh contentedly when I would rub it. All of these things made you who you were, our little Esperanza. You were beautiful on earth, and never let anyone tell you otherwise.

You are everywhere. You are all over our home and filling my heart. I see you on our sofa, on the love seat in our bedroom. You are in my office, where I last saw you and spoke to you and kissed you. You are in your special seat and on your special pillow. You are all around me and in me. And you are loved.

I held you a lot, but I wish I had held you more. There were times when I was responsible to care for you at night and I was tired. Instead of being excited about the time I would spend with you, I was disappointed in the sleep I would lose. Please forgive me. I wish I could have one more night on “Esperanza duty.” If I could, we wouldn’t sleep at all. We would play and talk all night. You would play with my goatee, and I would sing and you would be soothed by my rumbling chest. I would tell you again how beautiful you are and how deeply you are loved. Oh, for just one more night with you…one more hour…one more minute.

I told you a lot how much I love you, how much our family loves you, but if I could do it over again, I would tell you more. There has never been a child more loved than you.

You are no longer with us in body, but little Esperanza, you are and will always be in our hearts. Because of you, we will love better, forgive quicker and embrace more frequently.  Because of you, we will see beauty where others miss it. Because of you, we will love God more and follow Him closer. And, because of you, we are richer and more blessed than most.

I know you are in our Daddy’s arms now, and I am so very happy for you. He is loving you far better than I ever could, and one day He will hold and love me in person as well. But I want you to know that for as long as I live you will have an earthly daddy, too. You have an earthly family that will always love you, remember you and miss you. And we will always be so grateful that God gave you to us for that short little while.

I love you, my little Esperanza! I will see you soon!

Your Earthly Daddy