Yesterday she went in for evaluation to prepare for surgery, and the surgeon spoke with me after seeing her. The gist of the conversation can be summed up in the following bullet points:
- I can do surgery here, but I cannot do everything she needs done.
- It will not be my best work, as she needs additional assessment that can only be done in the States.
- You really should bring her to Texas where I can arrange for further assessment and the proper surgery.
She stopped just short of calling me a bad father and accusing me of neglect as I explained that the trip to the States was not feasible and asked her to please do what she could to help us. So, she finally agreed to do tendon and muscle-lengthening surgery on both legs and her groin.
Now is the time for transparency, so prepare yourself…
Throughout this conversation I kept hearing the voices of everyone who told us not to come to Guatemala. I heard the people who questioned us as parents for moving our children, two of whom have special needs, to a developing country. Those who told us we were being irresponsible. Fellow parents who questioned both our wisdom and commitment to our children and family. And, for the first time since I felt God’s call to Guatemala, I wondered if they are right.
Yet, on Wednesday she will have surgery in a Guatemalan hospital. Yes, she has an excellent surgeon, but she will be in less-than-optimal facilities receiving less-than-the-best procedure. And that is because of my decision to move my family to this country to do this ministry. And I am filled with both fear and doubt. Am I being a bad father? Am I failing my child/children? Am I helping other kids at the expense of my own?
To that last question, I know the answer is “Yes.” In order to help other children, my own sons and daughters have paid a price. My children have paid a price, as have Wanda and I. And that really bothers me. It is one thing for Wanda and I to make a decision and face the consequences for it. It is another thing to force that decision and consequences on our children. Yet, that is what we have done.
Along the way, we have stopped to ask them how they feel about Guatemala and this ministry, and, almost exclusively, their responses have been positive. All have told us that they are glad to be here, and they love what we do. But this situation takes us into new territory. For the first time, this life and ministry is placing one of our children in a situation in which it is not just an inconvenience of lifestyle, but in which their health and long-term development may be affected. So now I am asking, “Am I a bad father?”
I honestly don’t know how to answer that question. I know that I love Kimmie and all my kids. I know that I would give my life for any single one of them. I know that I want them to achieve all that they can achieve, and do it for the glory of Jesus. And, above all else, I want them to follow Jesus, no matter the cost. I want them to be willing to die for Him.
But now I am making decisions that may cost one of my children. And that is much harder. If it were me facing the surgery, as I did two months ago, it would not be a problem. But this is my little Kimmie, my Little Asian Lilly.
Tonight I am struggling. The surgery is scheduled and is two days away (actually, it’s 36 hours away), and I am filled with self-doubt. Am I doing the wrong thing? Am I helping other children while neglecting my own? Am I truly following God’s call, or am I a deluded idiot who has lost my mind? (After all, there have been plenty of those.)
As my mind and heart struggles with these questions, it keeps coming back to this one thought: My God gave his child for me. Am I willing to give my child for Him? And in that thought, I find both comfort and fear.
I find comfort because that seems to provide some order to this chaos and make me think that I am following God. It just helps this path make sense.
At the same time, I find fear because I don’t want my children to ever suffer for my obedience. God, please let me pay the price, but not them.
Years ago, Wanda and I held hands and told Jesus we would follow Him, no matter the cost. At that point, we both were willing to pay the cost personally of that decision. I have to admit, I have never considered my children paying the price. Now that has become very real.
So this evening I am trying to trust. I have gone over and over the call that God has given, and I do believe we are following that call. We have heard God’s voice and have obeyed, to the best of our abilities, and I believe the unfolding of this ministry is evidence of that. I do not believe this is a fool’s errand or a personal delusion. It is us following God’s path, one step at a time.
And I have to believe that the One who started us on this journey loves our Kimmie (His Kimmie) far more than we ever could and holds her care in the palm of His hand. And I have to believe that whatever price he asks us or our children to pay will one day be worth it.
Please pray for Kimmie as she faces surgery one Wednesday. Thanks.
Because of Him,
Daryl
