Loving Hope

Note: This blog post contains details and pictures of a beautiful little girl who I consider to be my daughter. Please do not share either the photos or the details apart from this blog. And if you cannot see her beauty through God’s eyes I ask you to move along to another blog.

My family and I find ourselves in one of the most challenging situations we have ever faced. We find ourselves loving little Esperanza (Hope) deeply. When I call this a challenge it is not because she is difficult to love. Nothing could be farther from the truth. She is easy to love because she is so beautiful, and that beauty comes through in every moment that we spend with her.

I love the way her mouth moves and her tongue seeks out the nipple of the bottle. I love the way her tiny face scrunches up when she yawns or cries. I love the way her tiny little fingers wrap around little finger when I hold her. I love her, and I love her more every minute that I spend with her.

The challenge is within our hearts, because we know that we are falling in love with a little girl that is dying. The same time that passes and causes our love to grow is also that same clock that is ticking and bringing the end of her life closer. We don’t know how long we have with her. It may be hours, days, weeks or months, but we know that time is coming.

She has not been sleeping well at night, so all of the older members of our household have had lots of late night time alone with her as we feed, change, cuddle and rock her. At times she cries out in pain, and in those moments I pray that God will take her quickly and make her completely whole. I also find myself praying that when I change her diaper and see her tiny, twisted, malnourished body under the clothes that swallow her whole. (She is four months old and weighs seven pounds. We estimate that four pounds of her total weight is her head, so even the smallest clothing is huge on her.)

But then there is the rest of the time…the times that I hold her close and pray that God will not take her. That we will find a way to make her comfortable, that she will feel our love and joy and peace, and that she will stay with us forever. Because, in her own way, she is perfect.

But I don’t want to love her. I want to stop my feelings and back them up. I want to remain detached and guard my heart, because I have only known this little girl for a few days, but I can’t imagine my life without her. And I don’t want to think about the day when she will not be with us or the pain that is coming with that moment. But…not love her? I would be more successful at stopping the ocean’s tide.

Forgive me for spilling my verbal tears out through this blog. I realize this in not what you signed-up for. But these thoughts and feelings are surging in my heart and I feel that I will burst if I don’t put them into words.

All of this has left me thinking more about love. Not the emotional junk of greeting cards and sentimental movies, but real, lasting and valuable love. You know, the Agape stuff. The love that keeps loving, even if it gets nothing in return but pain and heartbreak. The love that does not come and go with shifting feelings and the ups and downs of relationships. The kind of love that God’s Word talks about when it says that our God is LOVE.

The longer I live the more I realize how cheap my definition of love has been. And, with each passing year, I understand more and more about the love of God “that surpasses all understanding.” And I increasingly realize what a lousy reflection my life is of real love. If God is love then I am just a little boy trying to wear His oversized clothes and looking silly as I do.

I think God is using little Esperanza to lead me to a deeper level of love and showing me more what His love truly is. Our God loved us when we were incapable of loving Him. And He chose to love us, knowing that the price of that love was a cross on a hillside. From the moment He breathed the first Words of creation the clock began to tick that would ring in His suffering. Yet, he breathed them. And when He first breathed the word “Daryl” He knew the cost of loving me. He knew I would fail Him, hurt Him and turn away, not once, but repeatedly. And yet, He breathed…and loved. And He still does.

Over the last few days our family has started to hug tighter, encourage more frequently, and love more fiercely. This is all thanks to little Esperanza as she is showing us what is really, truly important while stripping away the things that are not. She is teaching us that “the greatest of these is love” in a way that I don’t think we would have learned otherwise. So, even as my days are filled with the roller coaster of joy, followed by heartbreak, followed by joy again, I keep falling deeper in love with my little Esperanza. And I keep reminding myself to live in the right-now of life and trust God with the heartbreak of my future.

Please pray for my family and I as we all try to do this in every moment. And please pray for our little Esperanza.

Blessings,

Daryl, Wanda and the Crew