Confessions of a Father

Over the last few months our family had begun to change. And by change I mean leave. We have always been a very close family, spending a lot of time together. From 2006 to 2010 we did a lot of traveling and camping in an RV as we covered a significant portion of the eastern US speaking in churches. I remember those days fondly, in spite of having 10 of us (and later, 12 of us) packed into one RV. We are a family that not only loves each other, we actually like each other. Our daughters consider one another their best friends, and my fondest memories are the ones we all spent together.

Back in January our daughter, Carissa, left for a five month stay in Uganda where she is making preparations for her long-term move there. This was a big transition for our family. To see our 19 year-old daughter move half way around the world stretched me more than I can describe. In addition, I have seen each of her siblings struggle, in their own way, to adjust to this new reality. She will be returning to us in June for a brief period before she will begin the process of fundraising and her eventual return to Uganda.

In two days I will be driving our daughter, Teisha, to the airport so that she can return to the States. She will be living and working in Ohio for four months to raise money for school and will then begin a two-year education program with Word of Life in New York. We hope to have her return for Christmas, if budget allows, but even if she does, we are looking at an eight month goodbye, followed by many others.

At the end of May Krishauna will be leaving our home and moving to Casa Bernabe, an orphanage on the other side of Guatemala City. She will be serving as a helper in one of their group homes, assisting in their school, and working on her Spanish skills for six months in preparation for future ministry. We hope to see her once or twice a month during her stay there. Then, once her schooling is complete she will likely be leaving our home to serve God somewhere in Guatemala.

Meanwhile, Brittney has shifted her college classes into high gear with hopes of graduating at the end of this year. This will enable her to begin her new ministry in San Pablo La Laguna working with children who have special needs. Her eventual goal is to open a school for these children in that very needy community.

As you can see, the size of our household is reducing rapidly and our family dynamics are changing. And, to be honest, this father is struggling.

I am so very proud of each of them. I know that they are leaving our home to serve Jesus and follow Him with abandon. This is God’s call for each of them and I stand in full support. So, my struggle is not related to regret at all.

But in my mind, each of them is still my little girl. It is my role to protect them, comfort them and bandage their scrapes. I am their problem-solver and bully-thumper. And no one can give bear hugs like me. Yet, as they head out, I know that I have to surrender those roles, as I can no longer fill them. That is hard for me.

In fact, this is the highest cost of discipleship I have ever had to pay. We have always taught our kids to follow Jesus, no matter where that leads. We have told them that whatever the cost, it is always worth it. And that has led us all to this point. Every other thing I have ever given up for my Jesus seems minor in comparison to saying goodbye to my children as they leave to serve God. In three years we will have four daughters serving in missions in two different countries. And Taryn and Jeremiah will be following along soon, making similar decisions. Then will come the youngest three after that. It makes me wake up, at times, in the middle of the night with a pain in my heart and nausea in my stomach. How do I let go of those I love so dearly? I am still figuring that out.

But there are three truths to which I cling:

1. In reality, I am not, nor have I ever been, their protector, comforter, healer or problem solver. My view of myself as those things has simply been an illusion. They are, and always have been, God’s children. From the moment He formed them in the womb, they belonged to Him, and He was the only one that could ever truly fill those rolls. So, as they leave our home, He continues to meet those needs as He has done all along. Nothing is changing. The One who loves them more than anyone else goes with them.
2. They are leaving our home, not to serve themselves, but to serve Jesus. I have no doubt that God will use them for great things as they follow His call. In this age in which so many live for self gratification I am overwhelmed as I see them pouring themselves out to serve, love and reach a dying world. So, while these transitions bring the pain of goodbyes, they also bring a great sense of joy as I see them becoming who Christ wants them to be. I could not be more proud of any of them.
3. As I consider this cost of discipleship that seems so great, I am reminded of another cost that was much higher. On Wednesday, I will put my daughter on a plane, but one Friday my God put His Son on a cross. Because of that incredible price He paid for me, no price is too great to pay for Him.

In the early years of our marriage we were preparing to move away from Wanda’s family to North Carolina to serve in ministry. As we were saying goodbye to her parents her dad said something that has remained with us through all these years. He told us, “It is hard to see you go, but I would rather see you half-way around the world serving Jesus than right next door and not.” Wise words that I speak often these days.

So, in the days, weeks, months and years ahead I will be saying goodbye a lot. And as I do, I will wipe a lot of tears. But not all of them will be tears of sadness. They will also be mixed with tears of joy, pride and gratitude. So much gratitude.

Blessings from Guatemala!

Daryl