Thanksgiving After a Funeral

Wanda and I are back in Guatemala after a week in NC for my mother’s death and funeral. Life is trying to return to normal, although I am not sure what normal is anymore.

We landed in Greensboro late last Sunday evening where we were met by my sister, Kathy, and her husband, Bob. We made it to their place just in time to have a very short and troubled night of sleep. At several points throughout the night I awoke and cried out to God for the strength I needed to face the next day. As a pastor I have stood with other families and supported them as they removed the life support of a loved one, this was the first time that I had done so. Nothing can prepare you for that experience.

We arrived at the hospital to spend some time with mom before meeting with Hospice and arranging the removal of the ventilator. At shortly after 10:00 am, Bob and I stood by mom’s bedside while it was removed, and as soon as she was cleaned-up the rest of the family joined us in her room. The following hours were filled with prayer, tears and even laughter as my brother, Rusty, and my sister and I and all our spouses shared old stories. At points we laughed until tears flowed. At other points, we simply wept.

Around mid-afternoon mom’s vital signs declined rapidly and we all gathered around her bed to say goodbye. But, typical of my mom, she rallied again and stabilized. At around 7:30 pm it was decided that I would stay with mom and call if anything changed. So, the rest of the family left and I slept on-and-off at her bedside. Finally, at around 5:00 am, my brother came to relieve me while I went home to get a few hours sleep. My sister joined him there shortly afterward.

At 10:00 am we received a call that her vital signs were declining, so Wanda and I rushed back to the hospital only to find her stable again. Then, at around 1:00 pm they decided to move her out of ICU to a Hospice room, so they sent our family ahead to the new room while they transported her. But, as they were preparing to move her to the new bed for transport she stopped breathing. By the time we made it back down, she was with Jesus. This was not how I had hoped her passing would go, but I rest in the knowledge that God’s plan and timing is perfect.

My mom died on what would have been her 49th anniversary with my dad, had he lived. That seemed appropriate as they had always told one another that they would meet at heavens gate. I have no doubt that dad greeted her with one of his great bear-hugs…after Jesus was done.

When we returned back to the house, my sister found three boxes that mom had placed in the file cabinet with her will and funeral wishes. The boxes were labeled with all the sibling’s names and contained a Christmas ornament with the following words:

I love you all dearly, now don’t shed a tear,

I’m spending my Christmas with Jesus this year.

I confess, that took my breath away and I completely broke down for the first time.

The next few days were a blur to me. For the first time my siblings and I found ourselves planning a funeral without an older generation to help.There is something sobering about the realization that you are now at the top of a family line. And through this experience I have determined that the American way of dealing with death is quite foolish because it allows no time to grieve. Meetings with the funeral home, service arrangements and planning, flowers, estate business and more come at you like a flood. During the time that you most need to grieve and turn to one another you have no time to do so.

But we made it through and actually had a beautiful service on Friday in which my mom was remembered and Christ was glorified. I am so thankful for the many people who gathered around us during that time to help and comfort.

Wanda and I flew home to Guatemala on Saturday morning and were met by our children at the airport. I took Saturday afternoon and Sunday to rest and decompress and then went back to my office on Monday, where a mountain of work was waiting for me.

At the end of this experience I find myself filled with gratitude for so many things. Yes, even after the death of my mother, I have so much for which I can be thankful. Here are a few of them:

1. I am thankful for over 45 years with my mother. I lost my dad when I was 29 and many of the children with which I work never knew their parents. Thank you, God, for the time I had with my mom.
2. I am thankful for the manner of her death. No, I did not want or anticipate my mom dying in an ICU ward after a horrible car crash, but it could have been much worse. We lost my dad after a prolonged battle with Alzheimer’s that stole his memory and his mind. He spent the last two years of his life bedridden. Thank you, Jesus, that mom’s passing was much quicker and easier.
3. I am thankful for renewed relationships within my family that resulted from mom’s passing. My brother, sister and I have grown much closer through this experience, and we were able to renew relationships with extended family.
4. I am thankful for the hundreds of people who rallied around me and my family (if we count everyone who prayed for us the number would be in the thousands). Over the last three-and-a-half weeks my inbox and Facebook has been filled with over 600 messages of love and support. At the viewing and funeral I had old classmates show up that I haven’t seen since sixth grade. I have never felt the love and support of the body of Christ like I have through this time. I hope to, in some small way, return the blessing to each of you that you have been to me.
5. I am thankful for everyone who sent money to assist with my travel expenses. While the entire cost of my two trips has not been covered the generosity of others has made a huge dent in it.
6. I am thankful for a mom that loved me and made great sacrifices to be there for my brother, sister and me. When money was tight for our family it was tempting for her to go back to work, but she decided over and over that some things are more important than money. As a result, I never remember a time growing up that I needed my mom and she was not there.
7. Finally, I am thankful for a God that is good all the time. He is good and faithful when you stand next to a newborn’s cradle, and He is good and faithful when you stand next to your mom’s casket. I am unworthy of Him, but oh, so grateful for Him!

Thank you for all your prayers over the last four weeks. I ask that they continue in the days ahead. Please pray especially for my sister, Kathy, and her husband, Bob, and their son, Jason. Mom has lived with them for the last five years and their home seems especially empty these days.

And now…back to work. I continue to grieve, but there is a call and mission that awaits as the world still needs Jesus. I will see mom soon and want to take a lot of people with me.

Because of Him!

Daryl