That happened to me tonight as I was sharing with a friend some of my frustration with the church that I have been venting on this blog. His words were simple and honest and cut me to the core. “Daryl, it sounds like to me that you are trusting in your own efforts instead of trusting in God. And, now that your own efforts aren’t working, you are blaming the church.” (That is a paraphrase of his words from my increasingly cloudy memory.)
Words like that don’t hurt unless they are true. But when they are… “Ouch!” Since I hung up the phone, God has continued to do surgery on my heart and attitude, and the cancerous gunk He has pulled out so far is ugly.
He is reminding me that He is our Caller, our Sustainer, and our Provider. He is the God of the harvest and will produce the needed harvest for His ministry through us. And, as a result, I need to stop acting like a pouting child and love His church, regardless of their response or my perception of their obedience. In fact, I need to stop focusing on their obedience at all. I have plenty to keep me busy in focusing on my own obedience.
When I forget these things I become worried, anxious, self-righteous, and downright pushy. I try to kick down doors instead of waiting to see the door that God is opening. And I become judgmental of everyone who won’t get on board with MY program and help ME kick. In short, I become a jerk. (I know, some of you are probably thinking this is my default setting!)
And so, the surgery continues. As the loving Surgeon does His work, I am very thankful that He is full of mercy and gentleness. And I am very thankful (and very sorry) that He has more patience with me than I have for His other children.
Forgive me, Lord. And (wince) keep cutting!
